Standing Held

Tossed back and forth like the waves of the ocean
Swirling around and around
Pulled out unaware by the tide
Out to a place where I will surely drown.

I struggle, swim faster, try harder
Thinking if I can just get back to shore
Then I can find stable ground, safety, a foundation.  
But my effort only increases my exhaustion.

And I drift further.  

Unable to fight anymore, I give up.  
I hide myself in the white sea foam and let go.
Completely still, I sink.
Just before my head goes under, I look up 

And that's when I see Him.  

His eyes full of love, He reaches out His hand.
Depleted of strength, I cannot reach back
So my head goes under as my tears add to the saltiness of the ocean
And I resign myself to the darkness that now envelopes me.

Then, something happens.

I'm being lifted from the bottom
And before I know it I'm blinking against the brightness of the sun.
I close my eyes and wait to be taken to the safety of the shore. 
As I wait I contemplate this Rescuer.

Who is He?
And who am I that He would choose to pick me up
No matter how many times I willfully swim away?

Why doesn't He just let go? 

Breathing the salty air, I open my eyes and realize I'm standing still.
But I'm not on the shore.
I'm still out at sea, the waves violent as ever.
Except now I'm dry.

I dare to look at Him 
And He looks right back with eyes that believe I can be more.
It's then that I know He has invited me to stand.
Not on the sandy shore, and not in the lush green valley.  

But on the water, even as the wind rages on. 
He invites me to stand.
Held.  

My Little Corner of the World

In my lifetime I have heard many wonderful presentations, read inspiring stories, written down motivational quotes and applauded when people have spoken truth from a raised platform in front of large audiences. More recently, I see posts go viral on Facebook that people consider heartfelt, sad, uplifting, tragic, angering.  With the advancement of technology, it's quite simple to share information.  At the click of a mouse, we've spread the word, we've made someone else aware, we've done our part.  With clear conscience, we can settle back into the comfort of our own homes, with our warm blankets and cozy candles, snuggling our remotes and bags of potato chips, watching our favorite television shows.

But, what are we really doing?  What CAN we do?  We talk about solutions, but are we just talking?  Are we taking action to create a world where these solutions can come about?  Or are we just passing along disgust about these situations from one person to the next and then moving back into our comfortable lives? I'm at such a crossroads right now.  What is MY role in making the world a better place?  And how much control do I really have over that anyway?  

It is hard to accept the things I cannot change.  I can't change people.  I can't change situations that are evil, twisted and so filled with deception that vulnerable people, people who have been entrusted to my care, are manipulated.  I certainly can't protect everyone.  I can talk and plead and beg and cry until I have no more breath in me, but if a person doesn't want to make changes, there is nothing more I can do about it.  But it breaks my heart. It makes me want to beat my head into a wall.  It makes me feel like I am watching someone run straight off a cliff at full speed, and I am screaming at this person.  I'm waving my arms and throwing red flags all over the place.  I'm even sending bulls into the path to try to stop the madness.  But, instead of slowing down the person speeds up, thinking that whatever is over that cliff is what is best. Except, in my most recent situation, this person's jumping off the cliff will be the demise of someone else who is completely helpless.  And all there is left for me to do is stand here and watch.  

I absolutely love people.  I mean, I love everything about them.  I think that is why when I am faced with someone who truly does not see how much harm is being caused by ongoing decisions being made, I am crushed.  I am disappointed because, despite the fact that I have lived through hell and journeyed back to life, I still choose to believe the very best about human beings.  I look for the beauty and forget the bad. People deserve that.  It makes life so much better--loving people despite themselves. 

So, again I ask?  What are we DOING to make our little corner of the world a better place?  I know we can't all get involved in every cause that exists around us.  But, I do plead with you to think the next time you go to hit that share button for a cause on Facebook. Instead of sharing an article about the growing number of homeless faces in Nashville with your comment about how someone needs to do something, go volunteer an hour of your time at the Soup Kitchen.  Instead of ranting about the horrendous crime that occurs all around us, mentor a teen, thus planting seeds that will help grow healthier building blocks for future society. Rather than shake your head in disgust over the latest gossip you just heard about a struggling coworker, walk away.  Even better, go encourage that coworker.  It may not seem like much, but every positive moment counts.  It matters.  You choose how you will interact with the world, how your life will matter, what difference you will make.  

I'll tell you what I'm going to do to make a difference in MY little corner of the world.  Despite the fact that I have looked straight into the face of horrendous, seemingly unchangeable injustice this week, I'm going to keep loving and walking right next to people as they journey through some of the most difficult life moments they'll ever face.  I might be disappointed. My heart might be a bit heavy from an ongoing impossible situation I cannot change, but these lives are worth moving forward and continuing the work I've been called to do. The fight is far from over.  So we carry on.

Less talking, more doing.  Get out there and DO something.  

"I did my best, it wasn't much.

I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch. 

I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you.

And even though it all went wrong,

I'll stand before the Lord of Song

With nothing on my tongue but, 'hallelujah...'"

~Leonard Cohen~

50 Things that Bring Me Delight: A Stream of Consciousness Post

I've had a lot of intense, stressful situations coming at me lately. This morning I was in the midst of one and I looked over and saw the girl next to me singing at the top of her lungs in her car. I mean, she was FEELING it. I was staring and smiling. Sadly, she noticed me and stopped.  I didn't want her to. It brought such delight to my spirit. I decided to ponder other things that randomly bring delight to my days. I made the list first, and then decided to write this little intro. I have to say, by the time I finished the list, I was smiling from within. Much love to anyone who reads this.

1. When the person in the car next to me is in his/her own little world, singing as loudly as possible.
2. When people are laughing really hard in public places.
3. Sarcastic people.  Nice sarcastic.  Not mean sarcastic.  There's a difference.
4. When my kittty looks into my eyes and starts purring really loudly.  Kitty love!!
5. When I am having an insanely stressful moment and I look up at a sunset that takes my breath away.
6. When I see 50 birds on a wire, just chillin'.
7. Really bright, green grass in the middle of winter.
8. My elderly patient who wheels her five pots of flowers around the halls on her walker shelf.
9. When patients sing to me.
10. When patients trust me enough to cry with me.
11. People who smell good.
12. Springtime when all the trees are blooming at the same time.
13. When it snows enough to make the world fall frozen and silent.
14. How much my kitties love each other.
15. When I wake up and both of my furry loves are on either side of my pillow, waiting.
16. 78 degree days with lots and lots of sunshine.
17. Large bodies of water, especially salty water.
18. When the angle of the sun makes the world glow orange.
19. Fields of dandelions.
20. The smell, taste, warmth, and feel of coffee.
21. Peppermint tea.
22. Freshly made, strong, unsweet iced tea.
23. Coffee shops with warm, inviting atmospheres.
24. Friends who are completely comfortable sitting in silence together.
25. Hilarious people.
26. Deep blue, cloudless skies.
27. Aquafresh, extreme clean toothpaste.  Burns so good.
28. On Guard Essential Oil, also burns.  Has kept me from illness many, many times.
29. Warm, fuzzy socks.
30. When both of my furbabes sleep in my lap at the same time.
31. Bright colors everywhere.
32. Non-cluttered surfaces.
33. Organized areas.
34. Random, unexpected encouragement.
35. People who do the right thing.
36. Kids who are not shy.
37. Dogs who don't jump on me.
38. Target, Ross, Hobby Lobby.  Mmmmm...
39. Bookstores, especially eccentric ones.
40. Historic moments/places/events.
41. Remembering that I belong to a God who will never let me go.
42. Being around my beautiful friends.
43. The smell of freshly cut grass.
44. Seeing cows laying down in the field.
45. Soft, comfortable clothing.
46. Clothing that makes me feel beautiful.
47. Have I mentioned how much delight my kitties bring to my life?
48. New adventures.
49. Creating things.
50. People who are truly enjoying their job.

Live well.

The Table

Most people in my life know that I recently left a great job, a great city, with great friends...and moved to Nashville.  Crazy, huh??  I have been in transition for what feels like forever, although it's really only been a few months. I'm just now beginning to breathe a little easier since my home is unpacked, organized and peaceful once more.  The kitties are happy in their new space, things are slowly coming together at work, and it is looking more and more like we are all going to survive this move.  

Something that I've asked myself repeatedly is, why?  Why did I leave a place where I was comfortable, secure, and happy with how life was going? In my more stressful moments here, the question has been worded more like:  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???  ;-)  

I came because I felt God tugging me here.  While I was happy and comfortable where I was, I was also beginning to feel a restlessness that I could not calm.  I looked at my daily life, and kept asking myself: is this it? Have you "arrived?" The answer was a deafening no.  I longed for "something more."  I wondered if I was being selfish.  If I should just be content with all that has been provided for me.  And then I realized the longing for more had been planted by God, and that He was calling me to new heights.  I know I'll never fully "arrive," but I also know God is constantly inviting us to be a part of something bigger than we know.  For me, the next step was moving to Nashville.  

But, let me be real.  It has been tough.  I miss the familiarity of Jackson, the routines, the confidence I felt in my job, the friends who surrounded me, the security of a church home, Target being three minutes from my house...I just miss it all.  Enter my "enemies."  Loneliness, insecurity, doubt, avoidance...all of these have filled at least part of my days here. Not being known here, not being able to pick up the phone and be in front of a familiar face within the hour has been tough on my more challenging days.  The busyness, the newness, the constant need to be "on" all day every day, has caused me to be vulnerable to those enemies.  

I was driving the other day and a song by Matt Maher came on, Psalm 23. There is a verse that says:  

Oh, my Lord, You prepare a table for You and me.

Oh, my Lord, in the middle of a fight with my enemies. 

I trust in You.  Lord, I trust in You. 

And as I was listening, I remembered.  I remembered God's faithfulness to take care of His daughter.  His tender love for me despite my running around in circles for the past several months, barely giving Him the time of day.  And there He was in my spirit, preparing a table for me and for Him--in the presence of my enemies.  There He was, loving me, delighting in me, rejoicing over me...and inviting me to His table.  The table He set up just for me and for Him.  

And here He still is.  In the presence of all that threatens my peace, HE is here. Preparing that table day after day.  It is my choice of whether I sit and join Him, but He's not going anywhere.  He's just waiting on me.  

Personally, I imagine the table to be at a quaint little coffee shop on the river, but as long as He is at it, it is perfect.  He is enough.  Believe and be satisfied. 

I Saw God Today

He sat in his wheelchair, looking at me wistfully.  His body was deformed, and he seemed a bit disoriented.  No one seemed to be paying much attention to him as the lobby was bustling with patients, nurses, alarms and Elvis.

"Do you have ten minutes to talk to me?" he asked softly. 

Unsure of how to respond, I looked toward my colleague, who was distracted at the nurse's station.  As I hesitated, he softly spoke again:

"Don't look at her.  Look at me.  Do you have ten minutes to talk to me?" 

So many thoughts went through my mind in quick succession: 

Do I have ten minutes?
Am I allowed to talk to him?
Is he experiencing dementia and thinks I'm someone he knows?

And, ultimately (and what I'm ashamed to admit): 
Is he going to say or do something that makes me uncomfortable? 

Pushing all of these questions aside, I finally looked at him.  Not just glanced in his general direction, but I locked eyes with him and held his gaze, took his hand and said, "Yes, I have time." 

So we talked.  About nothing really, but about everything at the same time.  More was exchanged in those few minutes than the past three hours of conversation I had been having with other people.  He was very soft spoken and didn't make a lot of sense.  But when I shook his hand to signal I needed to leave, his next words stunned me:

"It has been an absolute joy to talk to you today." 

We had talked for less than five minutes about nothing that seemed to matter, and it is highly likely he doesn't even remember it now.  But that wasn't the point.  He wanted to be acknowledged, to be accepted as a human being who could carry on a conversation. 

He wanted to be seen. 

And God allowed me...me, filled with selfishness, hurriedness, uncertainty and judgment...He allowed ME to SEE this man for those few moments.  I had to fight back tears as I walked away.  Who am I to deserve such grace to get to witness this incredible life, even if for but a moment?  Who am I to be chosen to be at THIS place, at THIS time, for THIS moment?   

As I was leaving, the nurse told me not to pay attention to him because he is needy and inappropriate a lot of the time.  I'm sure he is, and there are always reasons to be careful.  But I am glad that for those few moments God empowered me to let go of what anyone else thought about what I was doing.  He helped me see past how anyone else judged this man (myself included), and SEE HIM.  I am deeply humbled that God didn't let me miss that moment.  My cup overflows. 

I saw God today. 

The Wake-Up Fairy

A post I wrote years ago that I wanted to move from FB to this blog: 

Wake Up!

November 26, 2007 at 10:13pm

 

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you." (Isaiah 60:1)

When I was in kindergarten we had nap time. Being an energetic 5 year old made this time of day very difficult for me. If I slept I might miss something wonderful, and I didn't want to take that chance. Now, the most magical moment about nap time was when the teacher would walk around and see who was "sleeping the best." Whoever was chosen got the glory of being the "Wake-Up Fairy" for that day. This lucky kid got to walk around and wake everyone else up. Oh how I wanted to be chosen as the wake up fairy! However, being the insomniac kindergartner deprived me of that privilege. But at least I got to watch the whole process from my little plastic mat...being already awake and all...=D

Have you ever noticed that a lot of people seem to be sleep walking? They walk around like zombies, mindlessly moving from one thing to the next. They go to work but wish they were home. They go home and complain about work. Then they top it all off by zoning out into the television or a book. Or they drown every moment with people and places and things, never really taking the time to be still. Then they wake up the next day and do it all over again. I have been guilty of this myself...just going through the motions without any real thought about what I am doing. My question is: Where is the joy? Where is the sense of wonder and amazement that we had as little kids? That pressing desire to stay present for every single moment, just in case something amazing happens? Where is the hope in something greater than ourselves? Greater and more wonderful than our wildest imagination? Hope in a God who will never disappoint? I would dare say that there are many people who get to the end of their lives and wonder, what have I been doing all of this time?

It is time to wake up! No more statements like: when I get married; when I get out of debt; when the children are grown; if I had a better house, a nicer car, a higher paying job...THEN I can REALLY start living. We must stop waiting to live because this moment in time is the only one we have. Living in a constant state of waiting will only rob us of the enjoyment that is to be had right now. And when we are robbed of enjoyment, we become those zombies I described earlier, just trying to get through the now so we can make to the later.

May we be challenged to wake up and look at what is right in front of us. Nine times out of ten we will see that it is PEOPLE. People who need us, who love us and are also in desperate need of a wake up call. How can we wake them up if we, too, are sleeping? We must wake up and be the light of the world that God has called us to be. If not us, then who?

"for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: 'Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.' Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity..." (Ephesians 5:14-16a)

My friends, it is time to become a Wake-Up Fairy!

God and Gracie

An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language.
Martin Buber

I love my cat.  I mean, LOVE HER.  She has been my constant, faithful companion for 10 years.  No matter how stressful my day might have been, the moment I arrive home there she is, waiting for me.  She greets me with such over-the-top, head-over-heels joy.  The moment I touch her and listen to her soft litte purr, I can breathe more deeply and the muscles in my body start to relax.  She melts my heart.  Every. Single. Day. 

I've always had at least one cat as a pet, but Gracie is the first cat who has been only mine.  When I first found this four-week-old rescue, she was so tiny she could sit in the palm of my hand.  She loved to curl up on my shoulder and sleep, and even though she is much bigger now, she still throws as much of her body onto my shoulder as she possibly can whenever I pick her up.  Her favorite pasttime is sleeping, but she also loves to play fetch with the twist-off tab from the milk carton, watch birds through the window, and plot innovative schemes to try getting outdoors. 

What I didn't know when I met Gracie is that God had a plan for her life.  He reaches me through her.  He uses her love--her faithful, constant, unconditional love--to remind me of His.  He enlarges my spirit when she snuggles up to me and purrs, completely content just to be near.  It reminds me of His nearness.  She connects me with my parents as she knew them both before they died.  She senses my grief at times, and won't leave my side.  Neither has He.  She dances with me (unwillingly at times, I'll admit :) when I'm happy, and she nuzzles me when I'm sad.  God dances with me, too.  And He holds my tears in His heart.

One day I whispered to Gracie:  I want you to know of my love for you every single day of your life.  Then I heard God whisper to me:  I want you to know that, too, daughter of Mine. 

How He loves me through this beautiful little creature!  I knew her name before I ever met her.  It's a name that reminds me daily of His grace without end.  He knew my name long before anyone else, also.  He knew how every single day of my life would play out.  And He knew I would need little Gracie to help get me through some of the most difficult, heart-wrenching moments of my life.  He knew and He provided, causing us to meet at just the right moment.  I tear up when I think about it.

Who knew such mighty truths could be revealed to me through an eight-pound ball of fur?  I sure didn't.  But I'm undeniably and deeply grateful.  And because she is in my life, I know I am undeniably and deeply loved by a God who will never let go.  He is faithful. 

Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened.
Anatole France